Saturday, November 05, 2005
So I watched Star Wars Episode 3 yesterday, and got bored before the first line of dialogue was spoken. I spent the next few minutes thinking up words that can be made from “Sith” (I got “This” and “Is” then couldn’t think of anymore). So for the edification of anyone fortunate enough not to have seen it here is:
THE FINAL, UNABRIDGED, LOCKED, ACTUAL SHOOTING SCRIPT!!!!!!!
Ext. Space.
Some STUFF is happening. It all looks real cool. Some of the ships look vaguely reminiscent of the superior ships everyone remembers from the original trilogy. Within these ships people are TALKING. (Memo- write dialogue later.) But the key thing to remember is that IT ALL LOOKS REALLY COOL AND MOVES VERY FAST, SO EVEN IF IT DON’T LOOK COOL, NO-ONE WILL NOTICE. Some more stuff happens then:
Int. Space station.
After more STUFF happens. Darth…. I mean, Anakin kills Christopher Lee at McDiarmuids behest- this is called foreshadowing and I read about it in a book in the 70’s. Afterwards MORE STUFF HAPPENS.
(Note to self re: Script. Have someone say ‘I have a bad feeling about this’. That’s a killer line, and I don’t think I’ve used it before.)
Int. Council.
DARTH… I mean Anakin is PISSED ABOUT SOMETHING. No-one pays attention since Darth… I mean Anakin is always PISSED. This makes him even more PISSED. It all looks really nice, though and STUFF is happening outside.
Int. Room.
Darth… I mean Anakin is in a room telling Natalie Portman about how he’s so PISSED all the time. Portman probably winds up CRYING. (Memo: Write some dialogue for here too- something about love maybe)
Int. Space station.
McDiarmuid is trying very hard to tell Darth… I mean Anakin, that he is actually evil. Darth… I mean Anakin is too PISSED TO EVEN REALISE SOMEONE IS TALKING TO HIM, MUCH LESS THAT THEY ARE TELLING HIM INTIMATE DETAILS OF THE DARK SIDE. We should be watching the STUFF that is happening behind them. (Memo: Write dialogue, but nothing so cryptic that folks who are enjoying all the STUFF IN THE BACKGROUND will not see where it’s all leading.)
Int. Council.
McGregor: Damn, was Darth… I mean Anakin ever PISSED today. He slapped me round like a little bitch and I just took it. Maybe I am just a little bitch.
Jackson: Yeah, I sensed that too. Cos I’m a Jedi, you see.
Yoda: Sense this too, I did. Jedi also am I.
McGregor. Should we, y’know… DO something?
Jackson: Aw hell no.
Yoda. Best to wait, it probably is.
(Embarassing silence. Nice STUFF happens in the background.)
Jackson: WOOKIEES!!!!
McGregor: Did someone just say wookiees?
Jackson: You’ dang skippy.
Ext. Some place.
Whew! After all the INTENSE DIALOGUE we cut to some place where STUFF IS HAPPENING!!!!! WITH WOOKIEES!!!!! (Memo Keep dialogue to a minimum, as it will distract fanboys from jerking their gherkins at this point in the movie).
Some ROBOT WITH A COUGH shows up and uses TONS AND TONS OF LIGHTSABRES. Then dies.
Int. Room.
Darth… I mean Anakin is BITCHING AND MOANING to Portman once more. Once more Portman winds up crying. (Memo: This bit may need some dialogue too.)
Int. Nice room.
McDiarmuid sits on a chair looking SMUG. Jackson appears. (Dialogue) Then some REALLY COOL STUFF HAPPENS AND MCDIARMUID LOOKS LIKE PALPATINE AT THE END!!!!!!! Darth… I mean, Anakin interrupts proceedings, looking PISSED.
Anakin: Stop that!
McDiarmuid: No, join me, I hereby make you some tempting but ill-defined promises regarding your future.
Anakin: Good enough for me, have at you Jackson.
JACKSON gets DEADED.
McDiarmuid: Excellent. I shall call you podo, and you godo.
Anakin: Who are you talking to?
McDiarmuid: I mean, I shall call you DARTH VADAR (Memo: Talk nice to that hack Williams, see if he can summon up something frikkin epic for this bit- as it will save on the DIALOGUE).
Anakin: Wow. I only thought I was pissed before.
McDiarmuid: Go now. Kill some folks. You are evil.
Anakin: K.
Int. Room.
Portman is CRYING because Anakin was PISSED ABOUT SOMETHING. McGregor shows up then buggers off.
(Aw yeah- just thought of an awesome line- Yoda should say ‘Not if anything to do with it, I have’ that would rock. I’m using that bad boy in the trailer.)
Int. Big Room.
After some stuff happens, Yoda has a fight and says ‘Not if anything to do with it, I have’ (Yeah, boy!!!)
Ext. Some place.
After lots of STUFF happens, Anakin is wandering around aimlessly, looking PISSED. Portman shows up and begins to cry. Then Anakin fights McGregor. It looks COOL. McGregor cuts Anakin to shit, despite earlier being his LITTLE BITCH.
McGregor: Who’s the bitch now, eh? Anyhoo, best be off, got ends to tie up, y’know.
Int. Room.
Some stuff happens. Not sure yet how cool it should look. Darth Vader shows up. Everyone feels watching the film has been worth their while after all.
Portman DIES.
Some guy: Oh yeah… someone wipe that droids mind will ya?
Some other guy: K.
The END.
THE FINAL, UNABRIDGED, LOCKED, ACTUAL SHOOTING SCRIPT!!!!!!!
Ext. Space.
Some STUFF is happening. It all looks real cool. Some of the ships look vaguely reminiscent of the superior ships everyone remembers from the original trilogy. Within these ships people are TALKING. (Memo- write dialogue later.) But the key thing to remember is that IT ALL LOOKS REALLY COOL AND MOVES VERY FAST, SO EVEN IF IT DON’T LOOK COOL, NO-ONE WILL NOTICE. Some more stuff happens then:
Int. Space station.
After more STUFF happens. Darth…. I mean, Anakin kills Christopher Lee at McDiarmuids behest- this is called foreshadowing and I read about it in a book in the 70’s. Afterwards MORE STUFF HAPPENS.
(Note to self re: Script. Have someone say ‘I have a bad feeling about this’. That’s a killer line, and I don’t think I’ve used it before.)
Int. Council.
DARTH… I mean Anakin is PISSED ABOUT SOMETHING. No-one pays attention since Darth… I mean Anakin is always PISSED. This makes him even more PISSED. It all looks really nice, though and STUFF is happening outside.
Int. Room.
Darth… I mean Anakin is in a room telling Natalie Portman about how he’s so PISSED all the time. Portman probably winds up CRYING. (Memo: Write some dialogue for here too- something about love maybe)
Int. Space station.
McDiarmuid is trying very hard to tell Darth… I mean Anakin, that he is actually evil. Darth… I mean Anakin is too PISSED TO EVEN REALISE SOMEONE IS TALKING TO HIM, MUCH LESS THAT THEY ARE TELLING HIM INTIMATE DETAILS OF THE DARK SIDE. We should be watching the STUFF that is happening behind them. (Memo: Write dialogue, but nothing so cryptic that folks who are enjoying all the STUFF IN THE BACKGROUND will not see where it’s all leading.)
Int. Council.
McGregor: Damn, was Darth… I mean Anakin ever PISSED today. He slapped me round like a little bitch and I just took it. Maybe I am just a little bitch.
Jackson: Yeah, I sensed that too. Cos I’m a Jedi, you see.
Yoda: Sense this too, I did. Jedi also am I.
McGregor. Should we, y’know… DO something?
Jackson: Aw hell no.
Yoda. Best to wait, it probably is.
(Embarassing silence. Nice STUFF happens in the background.)
Jackson: WOOKIEES!!!!
McGregor: Did someone just say wookiees?
Jackson: You’ dang skippy.
Ext. Some place.
Whew! After all the INTENSE DIALOGUE we cut to some place where STUFF IS HAPPENING!!!!! WITH WOOKIEES!!!!! (Memo Keep dialogue to a minimum, as it will distract fanboys from jerking their gherkins at this point in the movie).
Some ROBOT WITH A COUGH shows up and uses TONS AND TONS OF LIGHTSABRES. Then dies.
Int. Room.
Darth… I mean Anakin is BITCHING AND MOANING to Portman once more. Once more Portman winds up crying. (Memo: This bit may need some dialogue too.)
Int. Nice room.
McDiarmuid sits on a chair looking SMUG. Jackson appears. (Dialogue) Then some REALLY COOL STUFF HAPPENS AND MCDIARMUID LOOKS LIKE PALPATINE AT THE END!!!!!!! Darth… I mean, Anakin interrupts proceedings, looking PISSED.
Anakin: Stop that!
McDiarmuid: No, join me, I hereby make you some tempting but ill-defined promises regarding your future.
Anakin: Good enough for me, have at you Jackson.
JACKSON gets DEADED.
McDiarmuid: Excellent. I shall call you podo, and you godo.
Anakin: Who are you talking to?
McDiarmuid: I mean, I shall call you DARTH VADAR (Memo: Talk nice to that hack Williams, see if he can summon up something frikkin epic for this bit- as it will save on the DIALOGUE).
Anakin: Wow. I only thought I was pissed before.
McDiarmuid: Go now. Kill some folks. You are evil.
Anakin: K.
Int. Room.
Portman is CRYING because Anakin was PISSED ABOUT SOMETHING. McGregor shows up then buggers off.
(Aw yeah- just thought of an awesome line- Yoda should say ‘Not if anything to do with it, I have’ that would rock. I’m using that bad boy in the trailer.)
Int. Big Room.
After some stuff happens, Yoda has a fight and says ‘Not if anything to do with it, I have’ (Yeah, boy!!!)
Ext. Some place.
After lots of STUFF happens, Anakin is wandering around aimlessly, looking PISSED. Portman shows up and begins to cry. Then Anakin fights McGregor. It looks COOL. McGregor cuts Anakin to shit, despite earlier being his LITTLE BITCH.
McGregor: Who’s the bitch now, eh? Anyhoo, best be off, got ends to tie up, y’know.
Int. Room.
Some stuff happens. Not sure yet how cool it should look. Darth Vader shows up. Everyone feels watching the film has been worth their while after all.
Portman DIES.
Some guy: Oh yeah… someone wipe that droids mind will ya?
Some other guy: K.
The END.
Comments:
Post a Comment
